Aries: Tomorrow, you will murder one hipster.Your lucky letter is Q.
Taurus: In two weeks, you will wake up in a cocoon, and then, after a 24 hour incubation period, you will emerge as an elderly black woman who has to take the bus to work for a white family she despises. Unless of course you already are an elderly black woman who hates her white family/boss. In that case, you will emerge from your cocoon looking much the same as before, except older, angrier, and blacker. Steer clear of seafood.
Gemini: People have a hard time liking you. This trend will continue indefinitely. You have no lucky numbers this week.
Cancer: Tomorrow you will stumble across two corpses and a bag of cash in an alley. Don’t ask any questions. Throw away your cell phone and passport, sneak across a border - any border - and start a new life. Your kids won’t miss you. Your lucky time is 4:44PM.
Leo: No one wants to say anything, but, you’ve been drinking too much. It used to be funny, but, now it’s just sloppy and sad. Time to grow up and snort coke like an adult.
Virgo: Two strange dogs have been lurking around my shed. This week, it’s your job to figure out what the fuck they want with me. Oh, and ease up on the garlic. It’s obnoxious.
Libra: Lately, you’ve been thinking about a lot of things and whatnot. That needs to stop. Just be. No more thinking. About anything. Just be. Just be a robot. Just... be... a... robot.
Scorpio: You are about to come to an important realization. A moment of clarity. You will soon know for a fact that cats are not, in fact, tiny, furry humans, and it’s silly and annoying to make them wear clothes and ask them questions as if you expect them to answer you. Knock it off. Oh, and your lucky year is 1876.
Sagittarius: I know you may not be prepared for this, but, in three days, at midnight, you are going to become pregnant. Even if you’re a man. Get ready to break the laws of nature. You’re giving birth to an abomination!
Capricorn: A small band of nefarious lizards have been watching you for weeks. Even I don’t know what they’re up to. Be very afraid. They probably mean you harm.
Aquarius: This week, eight plus eight will equal seventeen. Next week, things will go back to normal. Invest in pork barrels.
Pisces: Good news. On Friday, you’re going to get a promotion. Bad news. On Saturday, you will be fired for money laundering. Don’t worry, on Sunday, you will discover the powers of both levitation and remote thought control. Take over a small island, and show the locals no mercy. The time for action is Monday.